I'm writing here today because no one reads this one anymore, and I've got some stuff to get off my chest. I promised myself I'd never censor myself, but here I am - writing where no one will see. Ah well.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I gave up on us July 4th. That was when I realized this was never gonna happen. I guess I shouldn't have hooked up with you on my last night in town, but I don't know...I still wanted you, and it seemed like the perfect way to end a wonderful summer. That week in August was totally unexpected. You tried to hold my hand at one point, and I pulled it away - do you remember that? Then later that same night, when you kissed me, I asked why because I thought we were friends. I listened to you that night, I felt like I finally got what was going on, I felt like we were both listening to each other and understanding each other. I was really surprised that night.

I didn't think you were that into me. I thought I was a phase and that when I was out of your sight, I was also out of your mind. I remember the first night you kissed me, you gave me a laundry list of why we shouldn't get involved. It made me laugh that you put that much thought into us, but I thought it was cute. To me, you were just my cute friend who was dating someone. I told you that you had done a good job of talking yourself out of it so I didn't know why you were still interested. I think you did a lot of talking yourself out of it, but I understood why.

You said that in a lot of ways, you're like a 23 year old - figuring out what you wanted in life, what you wanted to do - I had thought that myself, but for different reasons. You seemed young and inexperienced with dating. Which was sweet and charming, but also made me think this guy is not going to be able to handle the distance and this thing is not going to work out. I gave it a shot anyway because you're sweet and fun and your kisses really did make my mind see-saw. When you touched me, I felt it in my whole body like a shiver and it made my heart jump and my stomach flop. I thought surely there's something to this thing so I had to try.

And I'm glad I did. I had things to learn about myself too. In my last relationship, I was so reserved and closed off, I don't want to be like that. That isn't who I am. So I opened myself up to possibility and hoped and prayed for the best. And on the 4th, I realized this is just not happening.

That week in August, though, that was confusing. I pay attention to words. I believe them. You said some really amazing things, and for the first time, I started thinking, "Wow. He really likes me." And then you flaked.

I had so much going on, I had expected things not to work out and had already accepted that so it wasn't a hard transition for me to friendship. You're incredible. Who wouldn't want to be your friend? I did feel often, though, that if I stopped contacting you, I'd never hear from you again. I felt like maybe I was forcing you to be my friend somehow. I don't know. To me, it just never seemed like you wanted to be friends. It seemed like you were holding back or not that into it, didn't care either way.

And when I was visiting those two weekends, I wanted to see you. I wanted to see my friend. And I felt like you didn't want to see me. That hurt and confused me. I'm not a mindreader. When someone says, "Maybe," I don't assume they're just being polite and they really mean, "No." If you had been straightforward with me, there wouldn't have been a misunderstanding. But to me, even though I cared about you, we only dated for a few weeks. So I didn't foresee any drama about hanging out. I did wonder if you would try to kiss me, I'll admit that, but I knew I'd pull away and tell you I just wanted to be friends. Maybe you thought the same. I don't know. I don't know because you couldn't be straightforward with me and you aren't talking to me now.

I remember you telling me about girls that you unintentionally hurt. Girls that got carried away, that liked you more than you liked them. I always thought you thought the same about me. You said things like you believed I was more into things, and I always let them slide because it just didn't seem right to correct and embarrass you. I think that you were honestly trying to be careful, worried you'd hurt me, and that's kind. But it kinda makes me laugh a little too. It's sort of an arrogant thing to assume someone is crazy about you, sort of. But it's really an arrogant thing to vocalize that to the person. And if it were true, it's not very nice and could hurt the person. Strange.

This is such a stupid mess.

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

It's the get to know you dance...hello again, new friends, here's everything you never wanted to know about me and more!

Today I visited a blog I’ve been reading for a few years, and she had a list of 100 random things about her. I thought that’d be a fun challenge so here ya go…whether you like it or not! But oh my goodness is 100 a big number. Try to stay awake, if you can.

1. My favorite color is pink. Yes, I am that girlie.
2. I once shoplifted when I was 4. Mom wouldn’t buy me toys so I stuffed a few into my tights. I still remember lifting my skirt and pulling each one out.
3. Red wine makes me feel sexy. And no, I didn’t fall off the bed as I said that like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.
4. I once met Mr. Big from Sex and the City, and he told me I have “nice tits.”
5. I bought a fish with a guy I dated in high school and starved it to death when he stopped calling. All the water dried up, and there was just a tiny fish skeleton left in the fishbowl.
6. When I get horny and have no one to make out with, I eat chocolate and pretend it’s a better substitute. Sometimes it really is.
7. I can’t whistle. And believe me, you can’t teach me.
8. I like camping, but hate the sleeping on the ground part. I’m like the princess and the pea when it comes to sleeping.
9. I have a crush on a CNN war correspondent. He’s Australian and his nose looks like it’s been broken about a billion times. He’s tough and smart and it’s wicked hot.
10. Sometimes when I drink too much, a Yankee accent comes out of this Southern girl’s mouth. I think it’s because when I lived in New York, I drank a lot so my drunken state has an accent from its natural origin.
11. I like text flirting.
12. Last year on my birthday, I had three shots of SoCo and lime…I think a lemon drop too…and threw up in my childhood friend’s sink.
13. The first time I got drunk, I was 16 and tried to convince my friend it would be ok to let me take a nap on the bathroom floor at her brother's engagement party.
14. My favorite foods are: peanut butter, pizza, fried chicken, and anything with crab meat. Yum. And if french fries were a man, I'd marry em. Oh sure, I like filet mignon and lobster ravioli too, but these are my faaaavorites.
15. I’m a big fan of onomatopoeia.
16. I get energy from being around people so I hate living alone. Sometimes I talk to myself or my dog just to have someone to talk to. Aw poor me. (Do you see the example of onomatopoeia? I didn’t even do that on purpose. I just love it that much.)
17. My new favorite song is called “Johnny & June.” Look it up, take a listen. I do want a love like Johnny and June! But without all the addiction and adultery.
18. I love shoes. Especially high heels because they make me feel tall and pretty. And I’d have Steve Madden’s love child in a heartbeat for a lifetime supply of his shoes.
19. I think my high school boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn’t give him a blowjob. I was an angel...or a prude.
20. I am 1/8 Cherokee Indian. Some woman tried to get me to apply for all these Native American scholarships for college, and I thought that was shady. I’m just thankful I tan nicely in the summer.
21. I have never smoked a cigarette.
22. My mom is my best friend.
23. I hate it when a guy does “baby talk.” You’re a man. You should be grunting or something.
24. Ooo but I do love to be called “baby.” I am a paradox.
25. I used to want to marry young, travel the world, be poor and live off of peanut butter sandwiches and sex. I dream big alright.
26. I like cheese omelets, but am too lazy to learn how to make them. I just assume one day God will give me a man who can grill (I don’t do that either, but did I mention I bake?) and make cheese omelets.
27. I prefer ceiling fans and open windows to air conditioning.
28. I used to love coloring books, but thought I had to make things the “right color” and make outlines on all the pictures. I didn’t like that. My creativity is messy and unique.
29. I believe that the universe talks to us.
30. I have a hard time with the “boyfriend” word. I’m picky about that. You will be corrected if you use the boyfriend word before I want you to be my boyfriend.
31. Sometimes I end sentences with “yo.” I don’t know why.
32. I once had two dates with two guys in one day. I also had two dates with one guy in one day.
33. Virginia Woolf is my favorite.
34. I was an English major and read only half of the books I didn’t like. James Joyce’s Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man…you bore me.
35. Dixie Carter once told me “Go Vols!”
36. I cannot name all the Supreme Court Justices. It is hard. You try.
37. I secretly want a black baby because they’re so gosh darn cute.
38. I can climax from intercourse.
39. I could never live in Alaska. Or [substitute place with cold climate here].
40. My favorite city in all the world is Florence, Italy, and it’s my dream to retire there. What? Mamma said dream big.
41. I ordered a steak in London and sent it back because I thought it was overcooked. They sent a new one, and I was wrong. It wasn’t overcooked. Their meat is just funky. I started going to Burger King when I craved red meat over there.
42. Before 2008 is up, my goal is to learn how to make the perfect crab cake.
43. I’m not afraid of bird flu. Even if Fox News and Lou Dobbs think I should be. Seriously, Lou, why are you always gettin’ the people riled up?
44. My first kiss was in the 6th grade with a guy whose nickname was Sergeant Slobber. I had nothing to do with the nickname, but he sure did live up to it.
45. I don’t do bald, and in fact, I inspect every guy I date for clues as to whether or not he’ll ever be bald. Scalp is icky.
46. I have never been to Chicago, Boston, New Orleans or Austin. But I want to.
47. I love surprises.
48. I love margaritas and tequila shots and think tequila is my happy juice.
49. I like packing and hate unpacking. Sometimes I wait days.
50. I saved every love letter I’ve ever been given. It’s been…5 years since I got one. Emails don’t count. Why don’t people write letters anymore?
51. I have danced on bars. Many.
[I just remembered I threw that last love letter away. Shit. Hope it’s not the for reals last!]
52. After having a fight with my boyfriend about Adam Sandler, he burned my living room down. It's a long story, but that's the gist.
53. I hate that with cell phones it’s so easy to track me down. Sometimes I don’t answer just cuz I’m not in the mood to be found and wanna be all incognito.
54. I’ve been a maid of honor three times. Four if you count the time I was the only friend invited to one friend’s wedding. And five if you count when my friend whose boyfriend is ring shopping gets married. I am the girl from 27 Dresses, and it is eerie and troubling when you personally identify so much with a cheesy romantic comedy.
55. Rachel Ray annoys me. And what’s with her boobs? They change size and sometimes disappear entirely.
56. I’ve never had sex outdoors.
57. I always tested well in math, even though I hate it.
58. My cousin, Eric, and I used to play a game where we’d race to get home from the school bus and whoever got there first would lock the other out. I got locked out a lot. He also used to pee in front of me until we were like 13.
59. I always run water when someone I don’t know well can hear me pee. I blame Eric for this.
60. I was in a showchoir. We had two costumes. One was gold lamme, and the other was blue sequins. I have great jazz hands.
61. I pray often.
62. I hate my hands, but love my fingernails.
63. I always wanted to be a ballerina despite my flat feet and spelled my name the French way for all of 5th grade because that was how my French ballet teacher spelled it.
64. At the end of each year, I count up how many times I cried. So far this year, it’s been 4, which is rather a lot for me. Once when my last boyfriend and I had a bad fight (he had a temper...do they all?), once when one of my very best friends got married, and twice about my sick Papaw.
65. I scream when I orgasm and have a hard time climaxing if I’m concentrating on being quiet. Many roommates have heard me…it’s embarrassing…
66. I love road trips. The first road trip I ever took was with two friends, and we drove from Knoxville to Atlanta for a weekend. When we left, I scraped the garage with my car. And when we were in Atlanta, we missed our fancy dinner reservations because we got lost and went around the 285 loop all night. "Look, kids, Big Ben! Parliament!"
67. I like to eat bread when I get drunk.
68. When I was little, I loved to watch Pinwheel on Nickelodeon (shut up to those of you who are too young to remember this show). There was a man who captured sounds in boxes, and I wanted to capture a cloud in a box because I thought it’d be pretty. Until I learned clouds are really just air and not as soft or thick as they look.
69. I dance a lot. On the subway, when I’m walking along the sidewalk, in my kitchen, when I’m driving. I can’t help it. I was born to boogie.
70. I love to throw dinner parties. It’s my favorite.
71. Twice I’ve gone to work still drunk from the night before.
72. I hate close talkers. Get outta my face! I also hate it when people I don’t know touch me. These two may be related.
73. I hate drunk Marines. And no, I will not buy you a Bud Light!
74. My dog uses puppy pads. I know it’s gross, but she’s really little and when I first got her, I was gone for ten hours a day.
75. I believe in true love and soulmates.
76. I am not good at sports, but I love to watch. I played softball for one year in the 6th grade and never caught the ball or hit it once.
77. I’m a sucker for Central Park. And the Capitol. Two different cities. Two inspiring landmarks.
78. I’m a great cook and love it when people finish their plate and ask for seconds.
79. Identical twins totally creep me out. They’re like natural clones. Remember those scary ghost girls from The Shining? How scary were they? I have a serious fear God will give me twins just for having this ridiculous phobia.
80. I’m suspicious of anyone who’s not passionate about something.
81. I turned a guy down for senior prom. He showed up on my front porch wearing a suit and had a bouquet of flowers. It was the sweetest thing, but I already had a date. We didn’t talk for five years, but now we’re friends. Sorry!!
82. I briefly dated a premature ejaculator. It’s not as funny as it was in American Pie cuz you’re actually not supposed to laugh. And I also almost asked another guy if he was hard before realizing he was just that small. Managed to stop myself after saying, “Oh no, are you not…” Yikes. Guess it’s tough to be a dude.
83. I’m just as scared of rollercoasters at 29 as I was at 9.
84. I think the most romantic things that have ever been done for me have been done by guys I didn’t have romantic feelings for. No fair.
85. My mom had a driving contract she made me sign when I got my first car. It had 20-something rules on it, and I broke almost all of them. Oops.
86. A friend and I used to sneak out all the time just to walk around the neighborhood. Yeah. We were bad to the bone.
87. I don’t get Family Guy.
88. I love it when a guy kisses me and holds my face in his hands. Like he’s saying, “You. I want to be kissing you.”
89. I went to the O Town album release party.
90. I once did speed dating because it was free, and I thought it’d be funny. It was. All the dudes were engineers, and all the girls (except me and my friend) were teachers. Aw stereotypes are true!
91. Every day, I try to match my underwear to my mood. Today I’m wearing little boy shorts cuz I feel playful and sporty.
92. I prefer men in boxers. Briefs make me giggle.
93. A friend and I used to always give each other’s guys nicknames. She’s married now, but still makes time to come up with nicknames for my dates. Timeless classics are Condom Pocket Guy, Tupperware Thief and Quick-Draw McGraw. Aren’t we clever? If you name the puppy, you’ll get attached to him, but nicknames work great.
94. Every time I see water, I wish I was in it.
95. My high school health teacher told all the girls we need to marry a man who’s not afraid to walk in the rain. I think lectures like this and about how the establishment (e.g. the Boy Scouts) was always getting him down led to his forced retirement. Thanks for the good times, Herky. Yes, that was his real name.
96. I make the yummiest chocolate chip cookies, but somehow my aunt’s are better even though we use the same recipe. This makes me crazy.
97. I do not like Grand Marnier.
98. A guy has never bought lingerie for me. This is wrong and must be fixed.
99. I own all the Rocky movies because I love him and he makes me believe in myself! But I'm ashamed to admit I've never seen Rocky 5. I have to watch it, no matter how bad you say it is. He’s my Rocky, and I shall do it for him.
100. I can stick my whole fist in my mouth.

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

I am suddenly an internet star. Well, more like a medium sized fish in a really big pond. My little blog has been getting over 1,500 hits a day for the past few days. The first day it happened, I thought it was a fluke. You know, maybe the internet was broken. But now I'm wondering where are you cool, nice people are coming from? Do tell!

Welcome, new friends, and thank you!! I will do my best to keep you entertained! And hope that you'll keeping coming back to visit me. Please post comments and send feedback cuz I like you.

In addition to seeing how many people have viewed my site, I can also see other interesting things like what websites people use to get to me, and if they found me through a google search, what the keywords they searched for were. I'm telling you this because someone typed - dating "he doesn't clip his toenails" - into google and visited my humble little spot on the web. I can only assume this was a girl who is dating a guy who doesn't clip his toenails.

I wish I had helpful advice to offer, but every time I told him to clip his nails, he got his feelings hurt and pouted, which was more annoying to me than the original problem. That was the only tactic I tried, though you could always book him a spa appointment or buy him clippers and put them in obvious places like his coat pocket or briefcase. Making a sign to hang in the bathroom that says, "Clip your nails, freak" might work too, though I'm happy with my decision to stop dating the troll. Hope this helps, and thanks again for all your support!

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

A couple of nights ago, I was looking for some paper and picked up an old journal someone gave me years ago I thought I had never used. I opened it to tear a sheet out and saw that I had written in it. Once. Three years ago in September.

2005 was the worst year of my life. And maybe the best because I learned so much. (I always have to add in the optimism, don’t I?) It was a painful, painful year. I probably cried more in that year than I have cried in my entire adult life.

Let’s see…in six short months...I got cheated on and my poor heart broken. My sweet grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer (on my birthday no less...and you wonder why I hate my birthday). My grandmother had a bad car accident with a lot of legal drama. I had an unhealthy relationship with someone who hurt me over and over again because I let him. I could have left. And eventually I did, thank God or I’d never be able to forgive myself. Finally in late August, I was laid off from the horrible job I hated and thus could get out of my lease and leave Atlanta if I just had somewhere to go. Someone I knew had a cousin that needed a roommate in DC. I said yes. Without meeting her or seeing the apartment. Or having a job. I just had to get away. And you know, I even turned down a job offer that would have let me stay. I am a real free faller.

It wasn’t scary to me that I was moving to a new city, living with strangers in an apartment I knew nothing about or even that I was unemployed. I was so thankful to have an opportunity to escape. I was unhappy and needed a reason to take a chance on me. I was there for my family through those rough months, and I needed to be there for me too. It’s hard to explain really what I was thinking or feeling. I felt free and easy...but nervous at the same time.

I saw the movie Elizabethtown during this transition and connected with it instantly. It’s definitely one of my all-time favorites. It makes me laugh and cry and think. I love all the characters. They’re so well-defined, even the smallest ones you understand. Like Chuck and Cindy, who the title of this post comes from. I think it’s a magical movie with close-ups on the full range of human emotion and the human spirit. But to me, the movie is all about hope – in fact, it’s the most hopeful movie I’ve ever seen. It’s not just about how you survive, but it’s about how you can do it while keeping your chin up and a smile on your face. It’s a crazy thing to have your whole world crashing in on you, but still feel fine. Still have hope.

A good friend of mine talked to me last night about hope. She said hers was struggling lately.

The Bible ranks it right up there with faith and love – it’s just as powerful and important. But can be so hard to hold onto. We need hope. We get out of bed every day hoping it’ll be a good one or that we’ll at least make it through. We take vitamins hoping we won’t get sick. We go on dates hoping it’ll be worth it in the end. And we spend time with our loved ones hoping we’ll all be together again soon. We need it, yes, but what keeps it alive is desire.

I’m just a girl. And a simple one at that. I don’t know how we hold onto hope, but I think I know why. It’s all we have. We have to hold onto hope because sometimes it’s the only thing that will keep us going. Even prisoners in concentration camps found a miraculous way to hold onto their hope.

There’s a beautiful verse in the Bible that says, Hope is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Another says that God has plans to give us a hope and a future. So that makes me think that hope comes from God. That He gives it to us for a reason. Even if it is hope that is not fulfilled, it serves a purpose of some kind. Maybe to move us from Atlanta to DC. Maybe to make us more aware of every minute we have with someone. Maybe to get us out of bed. Maybe to change our life.

It was hard, but beautiful reading the words I wrote three years ago. It’s like they were written by a stranger. I was so sad. So much had happened, and even though I wasn’t really scared, I was worried that I might never find all the scattered pieces of me. I was worried that in all the chaos and calamity, I didn't know myself. And I was worried that the downpour of tragedy would continue. Once everything goes wrong, you start looking for the next shoe to drop. But even in the midst of all that, I had hope.

And it worked out. I did change, but for the better. I know myself so well now. I am stronger because I know how strong I can be. I know what my vessel holds and who I have with me in rough and still patches. Going through all that tells me that the next time the sky falls, I’ll be alright. I have faith in that. So maybe hope builds faith. And it builds love because those that saw me through those dark days, I put my hope in them, I leaned on them, and our friendships are so much stronger now than ever before. And my hope is stronger too.

So the most painful year of my life was the most wonderful year of my life. Good things do come to those who wait.

No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on its quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose – sex, of course – but also...life.

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

Oh my gosh. I love Tennessee. It is hilarious. Especially, I think, to people who are not from here, but as an old Tennessean, I think I have the right to laugh a bit louder.

We had a terrible thunderstorm last night. That's not funny, of course, but the rednecks reacting to it just cracked me up.

My mom and I went to visit my grandfather yesterday, and he lives about two hours from Knoxville. Mom drove up there so I was driving back. I kept desperately searching the radio for the new Sugarland song (Ooo ooo ooo!) when we heard a severe thunderstorm warning for the area we were driving into. We heard that at an exit along the interstate we hadn't yet approached, there was a powerline down on the other side of us so we knew we'd hit some traffic. Those rubberneckers. Gotta love em.

All of a sudden, it hit! Thunder, lightening and a monsoon of a downpour. My mom is, of course, freaking out next to me offering helpful suggestions like "Slow down!" and "Be careful!" About as helpful as when I advise Peyton Manning to "Throw the ball!!" and tell my Vols to "Get a touchdown!"

The worst was yet to come, though, because soon it started hailing. This really sent her off. She continued with her helpful remarks.

"Oh my gosh! It's hailing! Can you see that?"

"I don't see why it has to rain so hard. Do you??"

"There's a truck next to you!"

Yes, thank you. My mom is the ultimate backseat driver. Her gasps and tight grip on the door didn't help much either. She was really concerned about the hail, which is understandable, but there's not much that can be done about it at the time. I really hate it when people pull over on the side of the road during a storm. Be tough, and weather it out, people. Parking on the highway for half an hour just seems useless and chickenshit to me.

"It's hailing so hard, I think we should pull over." - Mom

"Ok, it's your car. I will if you want me to." - Me

"It's hailing! Ooo look at the size of it!" - Mom

"Yeah. Do you want me to pull over?" - Me

"It's raining so hard! Watch out!" - Mom

"Mom. Do you want me to pull over or are you ok?"

"Look at the hail! It's soooo BIG!" - Mom

I decided to keep on driving, but became rather alarmed when she started shouting, "Be careful! My brakes don't work!" Not the thing you want to hear as you're navigating on an interstate in a thunderstorm. I yelled back, "Why am I driving a car with brakes that don't work!?! Are you crazy?!?"

I had the radio turned up because music calms me, and eventually they stopped playing songs and started talking about the traffic and the power outages. Then the rednecks started calling. To the station's credit, the first caller was legitimate and offered important information. She was stuck on the other side of the interstate, where it was closed, and told people the best way to turn around and get away from it. After that, though, every Jim Bob and Ellie Sue wanted to hear their voices on the radio.

"Yes, we have a call from Ellie Sue. Are you there, Ellie Sue?"

"Oh sure, uh huh. I'm here. I'm out here on Cedar Lane. There's a tree down."

"Ok, a tree down, you say?"

"Yuh. It's down, but itaint in the road or nothing. Ain't blocking traffic any. But there is a wreck. It's at the traffic light."

"Oh...ok...the traffic light?"

"Yuh."

"Ok, then thanks for calling."

I asked my mom why the woman thought anyone needed to hear about a road that had only one traffic light. She said, "All the rednecks have cell phones now."

More ridiculous calls followed. And they aired all of them. Rednecks (and I can call them that because they're my people) just love to be on the radio or on TV. Before a UT football game, every drunk idiot calls up from his tailgate just to say "Go Vols!"

And I just hate it that whenever a tornado hits in the Southland, they find the most ignorant redneck - always fat, sometimes in a moo-moo, sometimes with a mullet and/or handlebar mustache. I remember I was in Birmingham about ten years ago when a tornado ripped through downtown Nashville. I remember this exactly. A man with a blond mustache and mullet, wearing a ripped up t-shirt and jeans, was on CNN, and this was what he said:

"Uh huh. Well, we was comin' on outta that there Nascar Cafe, and I looked up in the sky. And you know what the first thing I thought was? I thought about that movie Twister, ya seen it? And I thought about how them Hollywood movies are spot on. It looked just like them twisters in that movie. Just like em, I say."

Oh, thanks for makin' me proud to be from the Great State of Tennessee.

In the town where I was raised
The clock ticks and the cattle graze
Time passed with Amazing Grace
Back where I come from
Now you can lie on a riverbank
Paint your name on a water tank
Or miscount all the beers you drank
Back where I come from

Back where I come from
Where I'll be when it's said and done
I'm proud as anyone
Back where I come from

We learned in Sunday school
Who made the sun shine through
I know who made the moonshine, too
Back where I come from
Blue eyes on a Saturday night
Tan legs in the broad day light
TV's, they were black and white
Back where I come from

Back where I come from
Where I'll be when it's said and done
I'm proud as anyone
Back where I come from

Some say it's a backward place
Narrow minds on a narrow way
I make it a point to say
That that's where I come from

That's where I come from
Where I'll be when it's said and done
I'm proud as anyone
That's where I come from
Back where I come from
I'm an old Tennessean
And I'm proud as anyone
That's where I come from

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

I love Ryan Adams. L-O-V-E in all caps! I think his lyrics are so poetic and poignant, and he's such a gifted musician. Sometimes, though, he is too sad for me. I have him in my Top 5 because I think he's sexy in all his mysteriousness and talent, and I joke that I love how he's so brooding and I want to fix him. He was on drugs or an alcoholic (or all of the above) for awhile and then got sober. I think he made this CD while he was in that process.

It's called 29. And every song represents a year of his twenties. It's a really beautiful idea, and I don't know what all the songs mean, but it's interesting to imagine and to learn a little bit more about someone. These are his songs:

29
28 - Strawberry Wine
27 - Night Birds
26 - Blue Sky Blues
25 - Carolina Rain
24 - Starlite Diner
23 - The Sadness
22 - Elizabeth, You Were Born to Play That Part
21 - Voices

Every year on my birthday, I take stock. I know, I know that's not what birthdays are about, but we have to measure ourselves somehow don't we? Or else we can't grow. Even looking back at my life, I always think about what happened that birth year. And I like that my clever crush Ryan Adams does that too. Since my birthday a couple months ago, I've been trying to figure out what song titles would match up nicely with each year of my twenties. I think I've finished the list. Almost every year is a song title, but two years are lyrics. Mine are more obvious and simpler than his, but I never claimed to be an artist. Though maybe you can learn a little about me too.

29
28 – Awake is the New Sleep
27 – Come As You Are
26 – If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep On Going
25 – Wild Hope
24 – Did I Shave My Legs For This?
23 – Standing Outside the Fire
22 – If I Can Make It There, I’ll Make It Anywhere
21 – To Be Young

Ryan created his CD when he was 29 so that year was left blank. It's hard to name something you haven't yet fully experienced. And the same is true for me. I don't know what will 29 bring. The adventure is in the mystery, but so far, so good.

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

Eee! I am just grinning ear to ear. I had a good, long conversation this afternoon with one of my all-time favorite people. This guy is The Funnest Person I Know. And probably will ever know because I can't see how anyone could top him. Fun is literally his name.

He's goofy and wild and always up for anything. I love people that are always up for anything! He said today, "The way I see it - you have to gamble to win" - and for him, I think this means, "You always have to say yes to crazy to have fun." Though he's usually the one with the crazy idea you just have to say yes to.

We're college pals, and after graduation, he moved to Buenos Aires, then to Guadalajahara, next to the Virgin Islands, after that South Dakota (not as exotic but definitely different) and most recently spent a year in Beijing. Now he's moving just 4 hours from me to go to law school. Yay! I see a lot of fun in my future.

We stay in touch by email and phone and occasionally get to hang out. It's amazing we're still close despite the lengths of time we've lived on separate continents, but we both always make the effort. Now that he's going to be closer, I can't wait for old times to be here again! Every time I'm with an old friend, it's as though we've never been apart - the friendship just picks back up and doesn't skip a beat.

Talking to him today just warmed my heart. Do you know what I mean when I say that? Warmed my heart? I mean if my heart had a living room, there'd be a big fire and my heart would be toasty happy all curled up next to it. There's a magical thing about old friends, isn't there?

Now before you say it, no we never dated and no we never will. He's a wild horse that can't be tamed, and our friendship is too good to shake up. He actually told me years ago that I'm the Free Fallin' girl. He said I'm a girl that a guy knows he has to commit to, but also knows he can't until he's the best he can be so he runs for the hills. I think that was his way of telling me why we never dated, but there are a few other good reasons for that. Believe me, I've heard enough lines in my life to recognize when I'm hearing one. Actually, I think that I'm the Free Fallin' girl because I'm never afraid to jump and always enjoy a good free fall. So does he, and that's probably why we get along so well. We're kindred spirits.

We've had a lot of fun together. I remember one day, he biked 15 miles to my apartment just for a lemonade. He went to the Cornbread Festival where my pal got himself in the local paper after placing 1st in the Cornbread Race and 2nd in the Cornbread Eating Contest. We spent more than a few late nights with Mario Cart, and he was my date to every sorority party, where I think he even spiked the punch. He had this hilarious old man Buick (I think he bought it for $500) that had the ceiling lining completely gone so one of his friends carved a giant penis in the foam. We always have the best talks. I think it's a rare and beautiful thing to have a real conversation with someone. Usually, it's all fluff and no soul.

Today, he said he thought of me in China and had a story no one would appreciate like I would. My interest was peaked.

While he was in Beijing, he made friends with three German guys. They'd been going out to bars and just talking, but one night decided they wanted to do something. I guess they don't play darts or pool in Beijing because my pal brought Monopoly to the bar. German Monopoly no less.

He makes friends with everyone, as do I, and I think that's really where fun can happen. When you talk to strangers. He got the whole Chinese crowd into the game. They had to teach them of course, but once they did, people ooo-ed when someone landed on Park Place and laughed when the top hat went to jail. They were picking sides, cheering and shouting, arms waving frantically. He also said they taught the Chinese how to pronounce all the words and that they would say "Monopory." Aw. Apparently, as it was German Monopoly, all the road names were in German, and his impression of a Chinese man trying to pronounce a German word...well, just try to hear it in your head.

Finally, he told me that he just knew I would have had a real blast with that and all the absurd, goofy laughter of their Chinese Monopoly fans. I agreed that absurd, goofy laughter was right up my alley.

There is absolutely nothing better in life than old friends and laughter. He challenged me to a Monopoly game when he visits me in Atlanta, and though I'm sure I'll lose, I know there'll be a lot of absurd, goofy laughter and making friends with strangers.

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

I love my guy friends. They spoil me to bits, and I just eat it up. In Atlanta, I have some girl friends, but my closest friends are all guys. And I was thinking today about how great dude friends are. I thought I’d make a list why.

1. They never cease to amaze.

One of my guy friends periodically sends me picture messages of his hairy ass. Such fun.

2. They really know how to knock a girl off her feet.

I do like being picked up. I don’t know what it is about that, but no matter who’s doing it, I get all giddy. I have one friend that picks me up and throws me over his shoulders sometimes. It’s good fun unless we’re both drunk. Alcohol makes him want to spin me around and ignore my pleas for “Heeeelllpppp!” and alcohol makes me want to throw up.

3. You can always count on your guy friends to tell you the truth.

If I want to be coddled, I call up a gal pal, but if I want the truth, I talk to a dude. My dude friends will always tell me when a guy’s just not that into me or if my date acted like an absolute douche. And if one of my guys doesn’t like someone I’m dating, they’re never afraid to tell me just how they feel - e.g. "He's just stupid," "His shoes were too fruity," and "That's what you get for trying to date a guy who thinks like a girl." Of course, they also tell me when I’m having a bad hair day or when my outfit is so stupid they won’t stand next to me.

4. My guy friends will eat up whatever I make, even if it’s bad.

Sometimes I go through cooking fits where I cook and cook and cook way too much food for this little person. And when I do, I can always count on a guy to eat it all up for me. In college, I tried to make chocolate mousse, but unfortunately, it wasn’t the right consistency and actually bent spoons. Never fear. My friend ate up not only his serving, but everyone else’s too, saying it was yummy and chewy like taffy.

5. They have good ideas.

My friend visited me in NYC for New Year's and told me he always wanted to pee on a New York sidewalk. He wanted a picture of him realizing his dream so now I have a photo displayed in my home of my friend peeing on his shoes, giving the thumbs-up. Another friend thought it'd be funny to steal a booster seat from Taco Bell. He was right. It was funny to see him run out the door with a plastic child seat hidden under his shirt. He's such a sweetheart, he gave it to me as a birthday present.
6. They often give bad advice, but it's always good for a laugh.

Gems like, "Don't be dumb - get you some," "You don't have to pick. Just date them both," "Three shots of So-Co will be ok," "The next time a guy does that to you, kick him in the nuts," and "Don't smell it, just drink it."

7. They teach me about sports.

For instance, I've learned: "They're not points, they're runs," "You don't throw a basketball, you shoot it," "Offsides = false start, It doesn't matter they have different names, it's the same thing," and "You can never be too loud while watching a game." I do have to say, though, there is one thing I've heard over and over again that they're just wrong about - "It doesn't matter how hot Derek Jeter is, he's still overrated." In my expert opinion, it's his cuteness that puts him over the top and will ensure he has a spot in every All-Star Game until he's in a walker.

8. I never have to worry about what I wear when I'm with my dude friends because I know I'll always look better than them.

They don't iron. They do the "sniff test" to decide if something's clean enough to wear. They think socks are optional. They think there's never a time or place where it's not ok to wear a baseball hat.

9. Sometimes they use their cock-block powers for good, not evil.

For instance, when a bar guy asked me where I was from, and after I answered "Tennessee," told me, "Well, you're the only ten I see." As if he had a sixth sense, my dude friend showed up just in time for me to say, "Have you met my boyfriend?" And when the guy in the mullet, black sweatshirt and Air Jordans asked my dude friend if I was his girl, he thankfully was smart enough to say yes.

10. I'll always be their favorite girl. Aw.

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

There’s a full moon tonight. When I was growing up, my favorite thing to do was to lie in my backyard and look up at the stars.

We live near the lake so if I sit on my back steps, I can see the moon, the lake and the stars. But lying down, I had a beautiful view of the biggest sky I’d ever seen. It’s still probably the biggest. I’ve heard Montana has the biggest sky around, but I’ve never been there. I like my East Tennessee sky just fine.

Tonight, the moon was so bright I thought the outside house lights were on. It was big and glowing. I could hardly see any stars for all its dazzle. And the lake sparkled the lights back and reflected up, like it was looking right at me.

There’s just something about the water. And the moon. I felt so small. I am so small.

Whenever I see the mountains or the ocean or a beautiful sunset, I wonder how people don’t believe in God. Or when I see or experience pure love, between mother and child, or people who would sacrifice for one another, I wonder. Maybe that’s naïve of me. I don’t know. But I do know that I believe. And when I see a round, shining moon that looks like it could swallow the sky, I wonder how anyone could see that and not feel God.

I’ve been feeling God a lot lately. Like a hand on the small of my back guiding me into a room. Or a whisper. I just know that everything’s going to be alright. School is hard, death is hard, life is hard. But it’s going to all work out. I am small, but He is big. If He feeds the birds, He will feed me.

There are a lot of things about myself that I keep private, so I don’t talk about my faith often. I keep it tucked in tight. But it’s strong.

The Bible says, Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. But I don’t just have faith in God. My faith is so much bigger. I have faith in those I love. I have faith in myself. I have faith that no matter what, things are going to be ok, I will carry on.

William Wordsworth said, Faith is passionate intuition. Isn’t that beautiful? I had to google that. I thought it was Keats. And in my little search I found another quote on faith from Gandhi – Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow in. I think that's so insightful because you do have to grow in your faith constantly.

I feel I’m growing a lot lately. Or maybe just realizing for the first time how far I’ve come and just where I am. I haven’t just felt God guiding me. I’ve also felt Him telling me I’m on the right track. I am at peace right now. With all the chaos, somehow I’m peaceful and know that I’m right where I am supposed to be and I'm who I'm supposed to be.

There are things that ground us, that calm us in the snap of an instant. There are a couple friends whose voices do that for me. Always family. And the moon and the stars and water. I feel God in all of that.

When I was little, my mom and I had a song we sang to the moon. It’s a silly song, but it was ours. I’ve never met anyone else who knew it so she may have even made it up. And when I would visit my father, I could look up at the sky and moon and know it was the same sky and same moon my mother saw. And I’d feel better, closer to her. Sometimes now when I look at the sky, I think of those I love and all those I will love that I haven’t yet met, and I know it’s the same big sky that holds us all.

We are small, and our world is small. And the same God is in all of it – the big stuff and the small stuff. Can’t you just feel it?

** Please visit my blog "She Is Anyway" where you'll find all these posts and more. I post more often there so please check it out! The address is http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com

Sorry, gang, the last one was a bit of a bummer. Don't wanna be Debbie Downer! There are lots of funny things happening in Tennessee too. One of them being the George Bush calendar my mom has hanging in her kitchen. I know you've been wondering what he does in his spare time, and now you have the answer - photo shoots.

I am a black sheep in my family for oh so many reasons, but one of the biggest is that they're ultra conservative Republicans. My mom donates money to the Republican National Committee and even donated money to Bush in 2000 and '04.

As a thank you, they give her a calendar each year that's full of pictures of Bush, Cheney and their sidekicks. My all-time favorites are the photos of Bush with a turkey (they look strikingly similar) and the year Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face there was an ironic photo of Cheney on a ranch.

I think even staunch Republicans agree our President doesn't photograph well, and these patriotic calendars provide evidence of this. To my mom's credit, she hasn't given any money to the elephants in a couple years. She was mad they didn't do enough on immigration (thank you, Fox News).

I asked if she was going to donate this year, and she said no, she's mad about the economy. Convinced my family would be the only ones approving of the President as the country goes down in flames, this surprised me. "Oh, so do you think the Republicans are to blame for the economy?" No, she said, she blames "all of 'em. I'm mad at all the politicians."

I'd like to tell you about this calendar and its photographic genius. Every year, the calendar opens in January with a photo of Bush being sworn in on inauguration day. This can only be to let us know that he is still The Decider, and it's particularly fitting for this year as he's struggled to remind everyone he's still in office.

That brings us to February, where we have a photo of the First Couple. Laura Bush, looking surprised as always, and both seem to be flaring their nostrils for an unknown reason. Perhaps David Gregory asked a biting question? Steven Colbert at the White House Press Corps Dinner again? Or maybe our fearless leader cut the cheese.

March has a picture of Prez in the Oval Office. Pretending to work. Aw cute. Was this taken on Bring Your Son to Work Day? Or maybe he actually does work in the Oval Office sometimes and doesn't spend all his time on the ranch?. Ha. That's just weird.

April reminds us that the job our President should really have is Baseball Commissioner. He looks especially stupid sporting a bright red Nationals jacket, waving at the crowd. I think he would have even been a good Baseball Commissioner. Though let's give him credit for trying. I do remember a State of the Union address that focused almost entirely on the problem of steroids in Major League Baseball.

In May, Bush seems to be mobbed by very happy soldiers who are stoked about being stop lost. He's probably telling each of them that he gave up golf for the war. And other things he doesn't care about or do often. What a sacrifice for guys who gave up their lives and families...for oil.

June shows him awkwardly standing next to a big brass band in what appears to be New Orleans. Oh, I get it, he's reminding us he did go. The look on his face says, "Uh...great...are we done yet? Did you take the picture? Do I get a Hurricane?"

July...July is hilarious and scary all at the same time. He's wearing a cowboy hat, aviators and is looking out, perhaps into the sunset. I honestly think I saw Brad Pitt make this very same pose in Thelma and Louise. Ew. Our President thinks he's a moviestar. Or worse. Hot. Ew ew ew gross!!

August reminds us that there's a Republican National Convention to support with our hard-earned dollars. Dubya and Laura are grinning in front of a crowd that is really happy to see them. Clearly taken a couple years ago. Laura is reaching her hand out...gesturing that she's trying to escape...or trying to "phone home"...hard to tell which...

In September, Dubya and Laura are eating dinner with a bunch of firefighters and police officers. There's an old man in the background staring at them despondently...kind of angrily too. He probably punched Bush in the nose after the photo was taken. I love firefighters.

October is a photo of Dick Cheney in front of a giant American flag. He's grinning as though we actually were greeted as liberators. Sigh.

November has Bush waving while holding his Scottish Terrier. The look on his face makes me think he's surrounded by protesters.

And we end with Christmas. Cuz this is God's country. Laura is clenching her teeth as though Dubya had one too many whiskeys. Old habits die hard!

Thankfully, these ridiculous calendars are dead after this year. Phew. I just hope my mom sticks to her guns and doesn't give any more money to the RNC ev-er a-gain.